just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
