I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
