I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
