you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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