so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
