I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
