So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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