Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
