The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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