I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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