alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
