And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
