mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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