Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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