I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
