Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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