I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
