i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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