2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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