So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
