my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
