just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well I just put wine in my tea
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
