am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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