just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
