dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Randomize
