I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
