she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
