i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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