3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
