so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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