Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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