Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
