im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
