no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
