god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
