just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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