don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
