every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
