I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize