Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
