I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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