she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
