thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
