just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
