you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize
