found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
