remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
