The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize