he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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