the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I love you. Go after that dick
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