if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
