i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
why do cheetos always look like penises
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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