I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
