you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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