Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
