Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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