new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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