You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
