I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
