New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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