I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
They are going to name an STD after you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
