i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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