I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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