Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
