i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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